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Archive for July, 2008

I’m good enough

***WARNING: This post is particularly personal, introspective, and touchy-feely. What can I say- I just got back from my first therapy session in almost three weeks. Further than that, I make no apologies: you’ve been warned***

No, this is not a post about Stuart Smalley, it’s about me, and the fact that, according to my therapist (and I think she’s right) I don’t believe the title of this post. She said that to me today in our session- actually, she said that I don’t think that I’m “enough”, period- and it really set off a bell for me. She’s right. I don’t think I’m enough. That’s why I constantly go out of my way to try and earn other people’s love, people who already love me Bridget Jones’ style- “Just the way I am”- in the first place. That’s why, when invited to a dinner party, I not only insist on bringing dessert, but make the most complicated dessert I can, entirely from scratch, when the people who invited me would probably be perfectly content with Duncan Hines brownies from a mix. That’s why every Christmas at my annual Christmas party, I make 12 different kinds of cookies (also from scratch) though no one would care in the slightest if I just put out a plate of green and red Pillsbury slice-and-bakes. That’s why I planned an elaborate Italian vacation for my husband, complete with cheese and wine and a 7 city whirlwind tour, when he’s said many times that his favorite vacation of all time was when we went to the farm for a week and did absolutely nothing but read, swim, nap and spend time together. That’s why I go out of my way to make everything I do more complicated and more “impressive” when the only people I truly care about find me perfectly impressive enough already.

Soooooo…in light of this epiphany, I am making a list- Oprah style– of terrific things about me. I’m not even going to put a number on it, because I think I can come up with a lot of things- yeah, I said it- that make me more than “enough”. Here goes:

  1. I am smart
  2. I am curious
  3. I am creative
  4. I am talented
  5. I am kind
  6. I am generous
  7. I am loyal
  8. I am considerate
  9. I am observant
  10. I have a great sense of humor
  11. I am a great (almost wrote “good” there- baby steps..) singer
  12. I am a great (same reaction) writer
  13. I am a good speller
  14. I have a great vocabulary
  15. I have great boobs
  16. I have great posture
  17. I have nice skin
  18. I am a good cook
  19. I am a great baker/dessert-maker
  20. I am adventurous and willing to try new things
  21. I’m an excellent traveler
  22. I have great manners
  23. I have pretty eyes
  24. I am very flexible (yoga-style)
  25. I have a great imagination
  26. I am a survivor
  27. I am incredibly independent
  28. I am have a great sense of wonder
  29. I appreciate and recognize beauty in the world
  30. I have a strong personal spirituality
  31. I am respectful
  32. I have a great knowledge of music
  33. I am a great reader
  34. I have an amazing capacity for joy
  35. I am compassionate
  36. I am self-aware
  37. I am honest
  38. I wear my heart on my face
  39. I am passionate
  40. I am always thirsty to learn

I could probably keep going, but I think that’s a pretty good start. It felt good to write those things down. I highly recommend it to all of the fabulous people who read this blog. It’s nice to give yourself credit. Could I go through this list and challenge each of these traits in myself? Yep. Could give lightning fast examples of times when I have demonstrated the opposite of each of these traits? You betcha. Could I make an equally long- if not longer- list of negative things about myself? Abso-fuckin’-lutely. Am I going to do that, now or any time soon? In the words of a wise shortie who I don’t see nearly enough of, “No way, Jose”.

Now the trick is to remind myself of these things every day. Not in an egotistical or self-inflating way, just as a self-affirmation, a reminder that maybe I don’t always need to try so hard, maybe all that I bring to the table by just being me is enough. Stuart Smalley might have had it right after all:

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, I AM ENOUGH

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