Archive for November, 2005

i just noticed (and so might you- if anyone actually still holds out hope and reads this blog) that my last entry was exactly one month ago. wow, sorry about that, but it’s been an action packed month with no real signs of slowing down. so for right now i will call this my ‘november entry’ and make no promises of more frequent entries (except for the implied ‘december entry’) until after the crazy holidays wind down in january. ( just in time for the ‘january entry’, but you get the gist by now). since most of my readers are probably just as frazzled as me right now, i doubt that anyone will mind the infrequency.

on to the blogging.

first and foremost i must send out a hearty and heart-felt congratulations to vixanne and her hubby, who welcomed their beautiful son (lets call him angel) into the world on the day before thanksgiving. truly something to be thankful for (i’m sure he won’t be hearing THAT for the rest of his life, just like i don’t get told that i must be ‘my parents favorite christmas present’ every time someone sees my birthdate. nowadays i counter with, ‘i don’t know, they’re dead, so they don’t talk about it much’- or at least i desperately want to. but i digress…). welcome to the world little angel!

in other news, with the holiday season now upon us, i am starting to show symptoms of a wicked holiday blues coming on. i am fighting it tooth and nail, hoping that it’s nothing that some christmas music, mulled wine and a return trip to my therapist can’t cure. i haven’t seen my therapist in over a month, and i definitely need to return. a few weeks ago my band played at a funeral (the deceased was in his forties and left behind a wife and eight year old son) and i think that’s what started the emotional ball rolling. today i went to see Harry Potter and experienced a strong desire to jump into the world of the movie and never come back (i also experienced an inappropriate attraction to Daniel Radcliffe, especially considering he is a 16 year old boy, but that’s another story). with the wedding a mere seven months away, i am starting to panic again, and dream of a world without adult responsibilities or worries (and WITH unicorns and magical candy). my old escapism tendencies are slipping out. i hosted thanksgiving at my house this year and got disproportionately upset that things did not turn out picture-postcard perfect; this need for perfection is becoming a troublesome pattern in my life. i am starting to wish my life was more like fiction or the movies- exciting and pretty and full of happy endings.

i am excited about christmas though, mostly. it is my absolute favorite time of the year, probably because it is the one time that a huge portion of society buys into my unrealistic fantasy-land image of the world for a month or so. even if it’s saccharine and materialistically driven, at least around the holidays people pretend to love their fellow man and believe in magic and miracles. i’ll take what i can get. it was also my mom’s favorite time of year and i have a lot of happy memories of christmas. the holidays are the one time where my memories of my mom make me more happy than sad.

i am also excited because this year i turn thirty, and that is actually something that i’m looking forward to. my twenties, though full of adventure, were also full of drama and pain and lots and lots of self-doubt and confusion. i am hoping that my thirties will be more grounded. i still may not know for sure what i my doing with my life, but i have a way better idea of who i am and what i want now than i did at 20 or 25. so bring it on. after all, thanks to the baby boomers, 30 is now practically infancy!

let’s see, what else…oh- the other day i wrote a long and cleansing email to my evil stepfather who i have not spoken to in over 5 years. it felt good just to get my gripes and grievances down on ‘paper’. i sent it to him at his old email, but it was sent back as an inactive account. and now i am wondering if i should search out his current email address and send it to him, or just take it as a healthy exercise and move on. i have no desire to revive my relationship with him, the damage is done and i am perfectly happy without him in my life, but he does still have a few of my mom’s things that i want, and i do want him to know how much he hurt me and why i stopped trusting him. there is also a part of me that wants to hear his side of the story. i don’t know that he would respond even if i did send him the email, but i am curious. it is a pretty diplomatic diatribe, i think, especially given how coldly he treated me after my mom died. i guess i just remain eternally and naively hopeful that he would get the email and coming crying back admitting all his wrongdoings, begging my forgiveness and offering me all of her things on a silver platter (i said it was naive). maybe i should just do what my aunt says and consider all of that stuff ‘lost in a fire’. they are just things, after all, and i have the most important of her belongings- her journals and photo albums (and her boobs).

so that’s it for now. i’ll be back in december with wedding dress news and holiday cheer. and since that’s only next week, that’s not too bad.


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